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Also, would gift wrap and a card be offensive since that is sort of a Christmas tradition? (Yea I know stupid question, but I just want to make sure)

Thanks!

A Channuka gift may be politically smart, but totally unnecessary from a Channuka standpoint. If you were to buy him something, you may want to understand his level of involvement in his faith. A card would be ok, also – but not necessary.

As an Orthodox Jew, I would not use media related gifts. A less "strict" observer may welcome something like that. I think the book is a great idea, but that may have unexpected "overtones" if it were something Christian leaning in nature. A book on the Holocaust may have the same unintended reaction. Is he a family man? How about something he can enjoy with his family?

The key idea is that we Jews know we are not part of the dominant culture. As with all gifts, it is the thought and effort that counts. Keep it respectful and safe.

A good housewarming gift would be something useful, like kitchen utensils, or towels, or something like that.

BTW, if they’re Orthodox, don’t be surprised if it gets quite awkward.

If you don’t believe something exists, than how can it do anything? It won’t/can’t.

My boyfriend is Persian and him and his daughter are jewish, his daughters are deeply religious (him, not so much). in fact the girls are going to Israel for 7 weeks in the summer!

I love my boyfriend and his girls are his world, the other day he told me that his daughters would want him to be with a jewish woman so he is scared about our introduction (im pagan). so naturally im terrified, I want the girls to trust and love me (or at least trust and LIKE me)

I started reading up on Judaism and i want to give each of the girls a gift pertaining to their religion and another pertaining to their interests (they are into "littlest pet shop" their dad tells me..), then go out to ice cream, get our nails done, then to rent movies to watch at home.

so my question is what would be a meaningful gift i can give that will show them that i respect and understand their religion and how important it is to them?

also any other advice on how to "make" the girls love me, even though im not jewish..
My boyfriend is the only person in is family that isnt religious,. his family, his wife, and his wifes family, as well as thier step father and his family are all Very religious…so i have a very large mountain to climb..but im going to try!

Please don’t take this the wrong way, as I don’t mean you any disrespect. But the best way to "show them that i respect and understand their religion and how important it is to them" is to stop dating their father, or to convert. Anything less than that is not understanding their religion, let alone respecting it. It’s simply buying them a trinket while laughing in the face of their actual religion.

Please understand this – according to Jewish law (and this is particularly relevant for Sephardic Jews from Middle Eastern countries), if a Jewish man marries a non-Jewish woman, their children will not be Jewish. They can not be married in a kosher ceremony so their marriage contract will not be valid. If they keep kosher (which I am assuming they do, at least at their mother’s house), they will not be able to eat any food you cook them. It’s that big of a deal. So buying them a little Jewish present would not be perceived in any way as you respecting their religion – it would be seen for what it is, you hammering home that you do not share their faith but are trying to buy them off.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. The truth is, the Persian Jewish community, while not as strict as some Sephardic Jewish communities (such as the Syrian Jews, who are incredibly closed-off), does not welcome outsiders. I’m impressed that your boyfriend is introducing you to the kids at all – clearly he must love you and that’s a great thing (don’t get me wrong – I’m not trying to belittle you or your relationship, just give you a reality check) – but has he talked about marriage with you? Is it even on his radar, or is it possible he is just with you for now until he meets a Jewish woman who he will commit to? If he isn’t talking about it, and comes from a really religious family (not to mention raising the girls to be religious), that would be a major red flag.

Even beyond that, if he does marry you and his family is genuinely very religious, there is a very good chance that they will cut ties with him – which might even include his losing custody of the girls if their mother believes you will be a bad influence on their upbringing (which if they do keep kosher and the Sabbath, and you can not, can be ‘proven’ in court, especially if you plan to have a pagan shrine in the home or introduce them to your own religious practices in any way, even just as sharing new information – Judaism is fiercely against pagan practices) – the courts traditionally weigh heavily on the side of mothers’ rights, and tend not to want to get involved when religion comes up as an issue. Is he worth that fight? Even if it doesn’t go that far, second marriages are notoriously difficult – the divorce rate for a second marriage with children is approximately 80%. Having his parents and his ex-wife (and potentially his kids) against you before you even get started is more than a mountain to climb, it’s a live grenade in your living room. Is that what you want?

At any rate, I wouldn’t suggest buying them religious gifts, as it would only highlight the fact that you’re not Jewish. If you have to buy them something, I would stick with the toys. But don’t feel like you have to bribe them to win their love – otherwise you will never get it. Stepkids are savvy – they learned a lot through watching their parents and from talking to other children of divorce. They will like you if you are genuinely interested in them and treat them with respect – and if their mother does not interfere (good luck with that). If you don’t try to understand where they’re coming from and why they might not want a non-Jewish stepmother, you will always be on separate planets.

As a final piece (even though you didn’t ask for it, and I’m sorry if it’s unwlecome), my advice to most women who are considering marrying a man with kids (and the advice of most stepmoms) is: run, don’t walk. It is the absolutely hardest road there is to go down in marriage, and all the love in the world won’t make it run smoothly. You can do everything 100% right and still end up with a miserable existence simply because of what happens in the kids’ other home. If this is something you’re serious about, I cannot recommend enough that you join a message board for stepmothers and second wives (there are many of them out there, and I would join more than one because they are all different and you want a place that is low on the negativity and high on advice – many of them are just safe places for women to vent, which is also important and a real eye-opener, but not very helpful if you want things to work out in the long run).

Sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear. But I wouldn’t be doing you any favors if I sugar-coated the situation, and you wouldn’t be any better off for it.

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